Toriel is a Nosy (REDACTED)
by TurkeyJerky
Summary: Sleeping off the events of this morning, you and Chara suffer a rude awakening, first literally, then metaphorically. (Part 5 of the Chara is a Kinky [REDACTED] series.)


*Knock, knock!*

The hard parts of four bent fingers hit your front door at exactly the same moment, then immediately pulled back and did it again. The sound waves traveled through the door, bounced down the hallway, and entered your bedroom, where you are Chara were sleeping off the morning's catharsis. Like current from a defibrillator passing through your heart, the sound waves flowed through your ears and shocked you back to consciousness. You gasped, your heart pounding, forcing blood served with an adrenaline vinaigrette through your veins. Not entirely lucid, you weren't exactly sure if the sounds you just heard actually happened or if they came from a dream, like when you're nodding off to sleep and you feel like you're falling and-

*Knock, knock, knock!*

Your lungs quickly and involuntarily vacuumed up another generous helping of air. This was indeed real life and not some sort of fantasy.

"Ugh...", Chara groaned, rolled onto her back, and draped her arm over her eyes. "What the fuc- Who the fu- Who the shi- Who... Who the... _hell_ is... is... banging on our door at... at... this... this... _ungodly_ hour?!"

"Ugh... no... no idea..." You rolled over 180 degrees, leaned in, and squinted at your alarm clock. "What kind of a... a... _dick bag_ comes to visit at... at..."

"Wha... what time is is?", Chara asked.

"Uh... 1:12 PM..." You fell back against your pillow and sighed.

"Oh...", Chara said.

"Well... crap..." You rolled over onto your back and turned your head her way. "Guess we really... *yawn!* ...slept in, didn't we?"

 ***Knock, knock, knock!***

Chara winced at every sensory desecration, her head sinking deeper into the pillow with each knock, like it was being driven by a hammer. "Oh my God..." She clenched her eyes shut and wrapped her pillow around her head, like a pair of ear muffs. ...Or a taco. "It feels like someone is hammering nails into my skull!"

"Eh..." You yawned, stretched, and shut your eyes. "J-just... ignore it. They'll... they'll get the hint and uh... you know... skedaddle..."

 ***Knock, knock!***

"Ow..." Chara pressed her teeth together tightly.

"Mmmmm..." A serene smile came over your face as sleep began to envelop you. "Ahhhh... yeaaaahhh..."

 ***Knock, knock, knock, knock!***

"Frisk..." The bed creaked as Chara sat up.

"Mmmm hmmm?", you said without opening your eyes, your hands folded behind your head, your expression unchanged.

"Open your eyes.", Chara said, her voice disturbingly emotionless and robotic, like she was telling you why she wasn't going to open the pod bay doors.

For the third time today, you were shocked awake. You tore your eyes open to their apex, then slowly rolled your head over in her direction... "Agh!"

"You see this?!" Chara pointed to her face, which was contorted into a demented smile, her iconic "murdering face". "This means that something bad is going to happen to our guests if that knocking doesn't stop soon..."

"I-I'll... I'll take care of this!" You threw the covers off and leapt out of bed.

* * *

You groggily, but swiftly, walked down the hall, tying your robe around your waist with the dexterity of Monster Kid, as you moved towards the front door, uttering incomprehensible curses under your breath. "Son of a... floop de doop, God damn... fibble fabble..."

 ***Knock, knock, knock!***

"I'm coming, I'm coming..." You threw your hands into the air as the spaghetti-like knot you were tying immediately disintegrated and your robe fell open. "...you impatient... something or other..." Holding your robe shut with your other hand, you reached the front door and wrapped your fingers around the door knob. "I swear to God, if this is the Jehovas Witnesses again..." You squeezed your hand, tighter than you really needed to. "Imma... Imma let her do it. I'll look the other way. Just. This. Once..." You twisted your wrist and yanked the door open aggressively. "Yes?! Can I help you?!"

"Frisk Dreemur!", the person on the other side of the door arch said.

"M-mom!" You turned your head upwards to meet her eyes. "Oh, I didn't know it was y- Why didn't you ca- I mean, uh... What a... _pleasant_ surprise!"

"H-hey, son!", Asgore leaned out from behind Toriel and waved, dressed in his favorite pink polo shirt, tucked underneath a pair of light blue jeans, hiked up unfashionably high.

"Dad?! Y-you too?!" You raised your hand to your father. "Wow, to what do I, uh, owe the pleasure to have both of my parents, uh, _lovely_ parents-"

"You're getting married?!", Toriel interrupted, her hands, sticking out of her long sleeved, royal purple button down shirt, resting on her large denim capri clad hips.

"What?! No, no! I'm uh..." You straightened your hand across your forehead and squinted across the groggy-induced fog inhabiting your mind and caught a glimpse of your memories from this morning's events. "Oh! Yeah, I guess I am..." The same giddy smile as before invaded your face. "I'm... I'm getting married!" You chuckled and shook your head lightly.

"You are not!" Toriel pointed at you.

"I'm..." You tilted your head and squinted at your mother. "...not?"

"No, you're not!" Toriel shook her finger. "First of all, you are way too young, second of all-" Her middle finger rose, joining her pointer finger in pointing at you.

"Look, mom..." You held up your hand. "Could you please keep it down?" You glanced over your shoulder. "Chara is trying to sleep..."

"What?!" Toriel touched her hand to her lips momentarily. "Chara's sleeping?! A-at your house?!"

"Well, yeah..." You shrugged.

"S-she's..." Toriel shook her head slightly. "N-napping on the couch?"

"No, she's in the bedroom." You pointed, with your thumb, over your shoulder and down the hall, where Chara was snoozing in the newfound silence.

"She's sleeping in your bed?!", Toriel asked, her hands affixed to her head.

"Well, yeah." You held your hand out. "Where else is she going to sleep?"

"Her house?!" Toriel held her own hands out.

"This, uh..." You closed your hand slowly. "Is her house..." You lowered your hand, even slower.

"She m-moved in with you?!" Toriel cupped her hand around her mouth. "When... when did this happen?!"

"Uh..." You rubbed your chin. "A while ago?"

"You're not... you're not..." Toriel's respiratory system revved up, increasing her body's rate of alveolar ventilation far beyond its needs. A sort of... "hyperventilation", if you will. "H-have you been... please, tell me you haven't been... been..."

"Woah! Relax, mom!" You held your hands up for a second. "Have I been... have I been what?" You shook your head without breaking eye contact.

"S-sl... sle...", Toriel tried to say. "Y-you know what I mean!"

"Uh..." You scratched your temple. "I... I don't, actually..."

"Y-you do too!" Toriel pointed at you with an unsteady finger.

"Uh, sledding? No, we haven't..." You looked past your mother at the snow-free landscape behind her. "It's not... it's not cold enough..."

"No, no! Have you been, uh... uh... A-asgore?" Toriel turned to her ex-husband. "A l-little help?"

Asgore sighed and stepped out from behind Toriel. "Son..." He cleared his throat. "Your mother wants to know if you and Chara have been having sex."

"Asgore!" Toriel clutched her head. "Oh my God!"

"W-what?!" Asgore turned to Toriel and raised his hands into the air. "T-that's what you wanted to know, right?"

"Y-yes, but...", Toriel said. "D-did you have to just... come out and say it?!"

"Uh..." Asgore scratched the back of his head. "I g-guess not... It's just... h-he wasn't getting it..." He gestured to you. "...and, uh... I guess... I guess I could have been a bit more, uh, _subtle_..." He turned back to you and cleared his throat once more. "Son, have you been, uh... 'planting' your, uh, 'seeds', in Chara's, uh... ' _forbidden_ garden'?"

"Ugh..." Toriel placed both her hands on her face for a moment, then looked back at you, expectantly. "Well?! Have you?! Have you been... been... ' _doing the Devil's gardening_ '?!"

"Oh! Well, uh..." You broke eye contact with your mother. "Y-you know..."

"No, I don't.", Toriel said, her hands back at her hips.

"Well, uh, you see..." You stared at your mother's furry sandaled feet.

"Well?!" Toriel repeated, louder.

"Give me a moment!" You held a single finger up. "Ok now..." You took a deep breath, reestablished eye contact, and... immediately lost your nerve. "Uh... uh..." You looked down again.

"Oh my God, my child!" Toriel clutched her brow. "How could you?! I raised you better than this..."

"How could I what?!" You held your hand out before you. "I... I thought you knew! I mean... when I told you about Chara, I explicitly remember mentioning that we were being responsible, using 'protection' and everything..."

"W-what?!" Toriel flinched back. "I... I thought... I thought that when you said 'protection', you were explaining t-the..." Toriel made a stabbing motion with her hand.

"Chara's knife?! No, no!" You shook your head vigorously. "I was talking about... about..." You leaned in closer to your mother. " _Birth control_.", you whispered.

"Oh God..." Toriel placed her hands on her head.

You rolled your eyes and sighed. "Look... Mom... it's not... not... _the Middle Ages_ anymore... A lot of things have changed! Society is much more... more... _permissive_ now... This sort of thing... it's... it's... common and socially acceptable!"

"Not when you're not... not..." Toriel shook her hands in front of herself. "I-in my day, you didn't... you didn't... do things like that until you were married!"

"Well!" You bowed your head slightly and held your hand out. "In that case, I have some good news for you..."

" _You are not getting married!_ ", Toriel said. "You are way, _way_ too young, and you-"

"Wait..." You held a single finger up. "How did you even hear that I was... Who... who told you I was getting married? I didn't tell anyone but... but..."

"Bonita!", Asgore answered, enthusiastically.

"Bonita!", you said, immediately after your father, clenching your fist before yourself and shaking it.

"She posted it on Facebook!" Asgore pulled his cell phone out of the case clipped to his belt and tapped the screen. He squinted at his phone for a second, then reached for the reading glasses hanging around his neck and raised them up to his eyes. "And her... Twitter..." He moved the phone a couple inches away, then dragged his finger across the screen. "And she texted everyone, too!" He held his phone out to you so you could see the mass text she sent to seemingly everyone in existence.

"Damn it!" You flung your hand downward, snapping your fingers at the same time.

"Language, my child!" Toriel scowled at you.

"Sorry, mum!" You cleared your throat. "Look, I know I'm pretty young, but I know what I'm doing here, you just gotta-"

"You've only been dating for a little over a year!" Toriel held a hand out to you. "How could you possibly know that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?!"

"Well, uh..." You held your teeth together for a second. "Ok, yeah, it's true that we've only been, uh, 'seeing each other' for a year-"

"What is that you're doing with your fingers?!" Toriel pointed at your hands. "Are those... are those what they call... _air quotes_?!"

"Uh, no!" You quickly folded your arms behind your back. "I was just, uh... uh..." You paused for a second. "So yeah, we've only been a thing for a year... but we've known each other for much, _much_ longer than that..."

"Oh really?!", Toriel said. "How long have you known her, then?!"

"Uh, uh..." Your eyes darted back and forth. "Since, uh... college? At least!", you said, which was technically correct. "Yeah, uh, she was in my diplomacy class..." Also technically correct. "We used to study together..." Ditto. She wasn't very helpful, but she was there.

"I get it!" Asgore chimed in, nodding. "So you guys were friends for a few years before, then decided to start dating?"

"Yeah!" You nodded in your father's direction for a moment, then slowed to a stop. "Well, uh... not exactly." You frowned and looked downward. "It's a... it's a bit more complicated than that... Chara and I... we didn't always get along that well back in the day. We had, uh, very, very different opinions on how to conduct diplomacy... She favored a, uh, more more... ' _aggressive_ ' approach... Especially in regards to, uh, ' _foreign policy_ '..."

Toriel raised an eyebrow. "So, why didn't I see her at your graduation?"

You turned your head to your mother, raised a finger, and opened your mouth like you were going to say something, but no words came out of your mouth. You held this pose for a couple seconds before slowly retracting your finger and closing your mouth. "I'm sorry, what was that?", you said, finally.

"Why didn't I see Chara at your graduation?", Toriel repeated her question. "There were only a hand full of diplomacy majors graduating that year. I think I would have remembered her..." Toriel stroked her fuzzy chin. "That is, unless..."

Your swallowing was audible in the silence.

"She did...", Toriel said. "She did graduate, didn't she?"

"Uh..." You ran your hand through your hair.

"She didn't graduate?" Toriel frowned. "Care to explain?"

"Well, you see..." You sighed. "It's a... it's a long, long, long... long... uh, _long_ story..." This statement was neither a lie nor an exaggeration.

"Is that so?" Toriel tilted her head. "So, what exactly does she do for a living?"

"She's... she's..." You frowned and placed your hands on your hips, defensively. "...currently unemployed. B-but she's been helping out so much around the house! She's been cleaning, cooking..." You enumerated Chara's contributions on your fingers.

"Yes...", Toriel said, eyeing your belly. "I've noticed..."

"Uh..." You sucked your gut in. "She's been, uh... doing the yard work! You see this?!" You gestured past your parents, at the immaculately maintained landscape around them, with the lawn, flat and smooth as a lake on a bizarrely calm day, the hedges and bushes, flawlessly sculpted like precious stones, destined for royalty. "She did all of this!" You smiled proudly. "With just a machete!"

"A machete?!" Your father stared at you, with his giant mouth open to the point where you could see his grapefruit-sized uvula hanging at the back of his throat.

"Uh, y-yeah..." You rubbed the back of your neck.

"Wow..." Asgore scanned the scene around him. "Nice!" He nodded and gave you a thumbs up, his expression telling you, succinctly, that he was unquestionably on Team Chara.

"Hmmm..." Toriel was less impressed, staring at you through the shrinking gap between her eyelids.

"Look, mom, I know what you're thinking... Yeah, ok! You have a point! Chara's not _absolutely_ perfect!" You threw your hands into the air. "But neither am I!" You lowered your hands to your chest.

Toriel gasped and covered her mouth with both hands.

"Yeah, it's true!" You pointed at Toriel. "But together..." You squeezed your hands into fists in front of yourself. "together..." You stopped for a second to think. "Ok, yeah, we're definitely _not_ perfect..." You relaxed your hands and brought them together. "But, together, we are better than we are on our own... We form something greater than the sum of our parts!" You shook your neatly folded hands gently. "She... she balances me out, and I her..." You looked your mother straight in the eyes. "There is nobody in this world that I'd rather be with more than her. I absolutely adore her. I... I absolutely... _need_ her! And, uh..." You touched your chin and pointed your eyes upward. "I think she likes me a lot, too..."

"Frisk..." Toriel smiled slightly. "...my son, my child, the light of my life... I know you love this girl... but..." She put her teeth together. "I think you may be making a mistake here..."

Your cool, which hadn't yet recovered from this morning's events, excused itself again. "No.", you said, with the confidence of a Deity. "I'm not the one making a mistake here. _You are_." You stared at Toriel, the fire burning behind your eyes white hot, to the point where safely making eye contact with you required special protective eye wear.

"Excuse me?" Toriel tilted her head.

" _I am marrying Chara_." You made your hand into a ball and tightened it, as the veins on your forearm and neck made themselves known. "And that's it. End. Of. Story..."

"Frisk, please, let's just talk about this-" Toriel reached out for your shoulder.

"There's nothing to talk about." Your nostrils flared and your eye twitched slightly. "This is my decision, not yours. Now, you can either be a part of this or you can-"

"Ok!" Toriel retracted her hand before she could reach you. "Fine! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just... just..."

Your cool stepped back into the office, sipping a fresh cup of coffee, then, upon seeing what had happened in its absence, dropped the cup of black liquid at its feet, and ran back to its station, seizing the controls before more damage could be done. "Uh..." You clutched your forehead and took a deep breath. "It's... it's alright..." You took another deep breath. "I... I'm sorry, too. It's just been... a stressful couple of days..." You looked up and shook your head. "Look..." You aligned your eyes with your mother's. "You gotta just trust me on this, ok? Chara is an amazing person with _so_ much potential... Please..." You reached out and took your mother's hands. "Please just give her a chance... I am... I am _so_ glad that I did..." The liquid barrier around your eyes grew thicker.

Toriel stared at you a moment, watching your eyes grow more reflective. "A-alright.", she finally said. "M-my chi- My... my son..."

* * *

"I can't believe he spoke to me that way!" Toriel flicked the blinker switch down, then turned the steering wheel of her car counter-clockwise. The tires squealed as the car jerked to the left. Asgore swallowed and gripped his arm rest a little tighter as the g-forces pushed him in the opposite direction. "I'm just trying to help him, you know?!" She switched into the left lane, without signaling, and sped past the sports car on the right. Asgore raised his hand, and grasped for the handle above the door. Upon realizing that Toriel's vehicle was not equipped with such a handle, he reached his hand outside the window and held onto the gap between the window frame and the roof. "He's so young, he hardly even knows this girl..." She sighed, reached into the breast pocket of her shirt, but stopped before her fingers reached their target. She glanced into the rear-view mirror and watched your house shrink into the distance. Now confident that she was out of your visible range, she reached deeper into her pocket, into a small rectangular box, and pulled out a cigarette. She placed the bad habit between her lips, lit the end with the tip of her pointer finger, and inhaled deeply, the influx of oxygen changing the color of the burning end from a dull red to a bright white.

Asgore took a moment to allow his heart rate to return to normal, then tilted his head slightly and glanced at Toriel from the corners of his eyes. "You're smoking again?" He raised an eyebrow.

Toriel tore the cigarette from her mouth between her pointer and middle fingers and huffed the smoke out of her lungs. "Every now and again!" She raised the burning paper tube back to her mouth and took another satisfying drag, all while maintaining eye contact with Asgore. Once her lungs were full to their maximum capacity, she turned her head and disposed of the gaseous cancer out the window. "What business is it of yours, anyway?!"

"Sorry!" Asgore broke eye contact and wrung his hands. "I just... worry... worry about..." He looked down.

Toriel rolled her eyes and sighed. "Yeah, ok... Look, I only do it during stressful situations. And I think this counts..."

"Oh absolutely!", Asgore said. "I just don't want... anything to happen to you..."

Toriel looked down at the burning stick in her hand and sighed again before taking another small puff. "Thanks... And... thanks for coming with me for this..."

"Y-yeah, no problem!", Asgore said, unaware that he even had a choice in the matter when his ex-wife showed up at his house and ordered him into her car, essentially kidnapping him.

"I just can't believe..." Toriel shook her head. "That he's been... been... _fooling around_ before marriage..."

"Guess he really is our son, then?" Asgore grinned.

"Asgore!" Toriel jerked her head in Asgore's direction. "That was... that was different..."

"Right! Sorry! You know, though..." Asgore cleared his throat. "I had a similar confrontation with my parents when _we_ got engaged..."

"Yeah?" Toriel glanced at Asgore for a moment before returning her eyes to the road.

"Yeah!" Asgore nodded, staring straight ahead. "They didn't like the idea of me marrying a commoner..."

"Psh!" Toriel rolled her eyes and shook her head while taking another pull off her cigarette.

"They only agreed to it after I threatened to abdicate...", Asgore continued.

Toriel quickly looked at Asgore again. "You didn't!", she said, unintentionally exhaling smoke into his face.

"I did!", Asgore nodded, before coughing a little.

"Wow...", Toriel said. "Would you... would you really have..."

"Oh yeah!", Asgore wheezed. "In a heartbeat! I was in love..." He smiled at Toriel, his eyes watering.

Toriel sighed and shook her head. "Love makes people do stupid things..."

"Yeah!" Asgore chuckled lightly. "T-tell me a-about it..."

Toriel raised her cigarette back to her lips. For a short, but significant amount of time, neither of them spoke. Toriel's mind was preoccupied with what she was going to tell what was left of her extended family, like her great aunt Gladas, who was even more conservative than she was, despite spending the last millennia living with her "roommate", another female boss monster, who she insisted Toriel also refer to as "auntie", when a sound she hadn't heard in decades brought her back to the present.

"Asgore?!" She turned her head to the former king of monsters. "Are you- What's-"

"Our boy..." Asgore sniffled and wiped the tears of of his eyes. "I... I loved him..."

Asgore's emotions hit Toriel hard, infecting her like a virus. "I... I know..." Her own eyes began to flood.

"I loved him so much that... that..." Asgore bowed his head and clutched his brow, pausing for a moment to regain his composure. "I-in my... my anger... I did... something... something _stupid_..."

"Asgore..." Toriel doused what was left of her cigarette in the ashtray and reached out to Asgore's shoulder, but hesitated at the last moment and retracted her hand.

And without h-him, without you..." Asgore raised his head and looked straight ahead, at the oncoming road, the wind from the open window drying his tears almost as fast as he could shed them. "All I had left was our people. I loved them, too... I... I didn't want them to give up... I wanted them to... to believe... to... to dream... to hope..."

Toriel tried to think of something to say to comfort him, but nothing came.

"I took it upon myself..." Asgore held his hands out before himself before clenching them into fists, tightly enough that they shook. "I did what I thought needed to be done, to spare our people the... the... _the horror_..." His voice broke, his hands went slack, and more tears rolled out of his eyes as he fell back against the passenger seat.

Toriel blinked a tear out of her eye. Somehow, after all these years, she finally understood. Somehow, she came to empathize with the man sitting next to her. The man who lost everything and sacrificed what was left of himself for the sake of his people. A dusty old feeling rose up within her and... she did something stupid. She reached across the console, to her ex-husband, the war criminal, the child murderer... She took his hand and squeezed.

* * *

Your eyes adjusted slowly to the relative darkness of the bedroom. You stepped in, cautiously, shutting the door behind you slowly and turning the door knob back manually, to minimize the sound made. You moved across the room, your hands out in front of yourself, to detect any unseen obstacles that may have materialized in the room in your absence. You took another step, and placed your foot upon a soft, cylindrical object. After you caught your balance, you reached down and picked up the object. Your first instinct was that it was a large gummy worm, but upon feeling the object up and down, you recognized the shape, tossed it into the corner of the room, with the others, and wiped your hands on your robe.

Moving forward a little more, you bumped into your destination. You climbed on top of the covers, laid down, and stared at the ceiling, which was slowly becoming more visible as your eyes adjusted to the darkness.

Chara laid on her stomach, her head turned away from you, the bottom and top quarters of herself completely uncovered. "Who was it?", she asked without opening her eyes.

"Mom and dad.", you answered the darkness. "They know. Everybody knows. Bonita."

"Bonita.", Chara echoed, raising a weakly clenched fist in the air.

"Well, I guess it was going to happen eventually..." Your head rolled back and forth on the pillow.

"Yeah.", Chara said.

"Well..." You rolled over in her direction. "You know what we have to do now?"

"What's that?" Chara rolled back a quarter of a turn and opened her eyes.

"We're going to have to get our story straight.", you said. "We need to come up with a backstory for you, one that doesn't involve sadism, murder, or... or... _lewdness_. A cute 'how we met' story, a romantic proposal story, and perhaps, for our closer friends, a... tender, yet engaging 'first time' story..."

"So, you want us to lie, basically?" Chara raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said 'honesty was the best policy'?", she said, doing a mocking imitation of your voice as she quoted you.

"Ha! I did say that, didn't I?" You grinned back at her. "Well, honestly, I think that honesty, in this situation, would probably... kill mom. She's upset enough that I'm marrying someone she thinks I've only been with for a year... Now imagine if she knew the entire truth..."

"She would... explode." Chara shook her head. "And probably take the whole block with her..."

"Exactly." You shut your eyes and nodded once. "I've actually spent a lot of time thinking about this... First, I thought about taking her out to the countryside, or some other low-population-density area before telling her, you know, to lower the collateral damage... But then I decided, after a lot of soul-searching and reading the Wikipedia article on Utilitarianism, that the moral thing to do here is to-"

"Lie our asses off?", Chara interrupted.

"Yes." You reached over and stroked her hair while she smiled back. "That."

* * *

"That's gold, Chara!", you said, furiously typing away on the word processing application on your computer.

"Ok, so after I followed the trail of rose petals to the bedroom..." Chara sat on her knees, on the bed, excitedly narrating her fictional account of you proposing to her. "...you offer me a glass of champagne, which I accept, then, mid-drink, I notice something sparkly at the bottom..."

"Awesome!", you said, converting Chara's vision to its textual form. "So hey, I just realized..." You stopped typing and rotated your computer chair to face her. "What should we tell everyone your maiden name is? I know that you're used to going by 'Chara Dreemur', but we can't use that obviously..."

"Oh, yeah..." Chara looked downward and nodded slowly. "I guess we could use my real last name..."

"Yeah, sure!" You nodded back. "I don't see why not... What is it?"

Chara told you her real last name.

"W-what?!", you said, your eyes as big as manhole covers.

Chara repeated herself.

"T-that c-can't be your last name..." Your hand shook before you.

"Why not?" Chara shrugged.

"B-because...", you answered. "T-that's... that's my real last name..."

"Uh oh..." Chara frowned and looked downward.

* * *

"Jesus Christ..." You leaned back in your computer chair, your hands on your head, staring at the genetic hierarchy displayed on your monitor.

"It's not that big a deal..." Chara lowered her hands from the back of the chair and placed them on your shoulders.

"We're... we're... related..." Your raised your hands in the air.

"Barely!" Chara threw her hands in the air.

"You're... you're my cousin!" You quickly turned your chair around to face her.

"Yeah, like... 15th cousin, 400 times removed!", she said.

"Still!" You shook your hands in the air.

"That doesn't mean anything!" She stepped forward and attempted to interlock her fingers with yours. "We grew up around the same mountain! There was a small gene pool!"

"W-we're blood related!" Your pulled your hands away from her, repositioned them on your face, and bowed your head.

"We probably have like..." She thought about it for a second. "0.002% of our DNA in common!"

"Still!" You said, through your hands.

Chara placed her hands on her hips and sighed. There was a shortish period of silence. You were usually a pretty rational person, but there were a few things you were just completely irrational about... Like incest... Or pineapple on pizza... She understood, really. After all, it's not like she was completely rational either... She frowned and bowed her head slightly. Appealing to your rationality had failed. So, perhaps, she could appeal to... something else... "Well... It doesn't matter, anyway..."

"Huh?" You looked up at her.

"The damage is done..." Chara cocked her hips, drawing your attention to them.

"W-what?" You looked up from her hips, back to her eyes.

"We've already done it..." Chara moved a little closer. "Hundreds of times..." She shook her head slightly while licking her lips.

"Thousands, probably." You clutched your brow.

"Yeah." Chara placed her hand on the side of your shoulder. "It's not like you can unfuck me."

You laughed once. "Oh God..." You covered your face with your hand.

Chara raised her leg and brought her right foot to rest on the chair, right between your legs. You uncovered your face and looked over at her arched foot, millimeters away from your, uh... " _forbidden garden_ ". Your eyes went from her foot to her leg, following its entire length up to her hips, where more than a little bit of her sheer and insubstantial panties were visible. From there, your eyes went North, up her slender waist, to her shapely torso area, poorly concealed under an old shirt of yours, worn thin by... use...

"We've already gone too far..." She leaned down and placed her hands on your shoulders, putting her flawless face inches from yours. "...why stop here?" She closed the already infinitesimal gap between her lips and yours. Resistance was futile.

The two of you made out for a second, but then your irrational rationality caught up to you. You stopped and leaned back. "I'm... I'm going to Hell..."

"Me too." Chara smiled at you seductively, then crossed her arms and pulled her shirt off over her head. "We'll be together forever, won't we?" She shook the hair off her face and tossed the shirt over her shoulder playfully.

You stared at the gift that karma, God... whatever, had bestowed upon you for your good deeds, for your hard work, for... for being a bad enough dude to save the monsters, in awe. "Oh, God, I hope so..." You stood up, wrapped your arms around her, and carried the giggling succubus to bed.

* * *

"H-hey...", she panted.

"Hey." You grinned at her.

She placed her hands on your forearms. "You know what would be really hot?"

"What's that?" You slowed down, giving her a chance to speak.

"You're..." She raised one of her hands to your cheek. "You're not going to like it..." She shook her head on the pillow.

"Try me." Your raised your eyebrows twice.

"Well, uh..." She smiled bashfully and broke eye contact for a second, before telling you what she wanted.

"I..." You put your teeth together and looked away. "I don't like that..."

* * *

"Oh my God, cuz!", Chara shouted, her eyes closed in ecstasy, her hand resting firmly on your chest to balance herself. "This is _so_ hot!"

"Uh... uh... yeah, c-cuz... cousin o-of mine!", you said. "This is, uh, pretty screwed up, is it not?!"

"That it is!", Chara said. "It's so wrong, but it feels so right!"

"That it does!" You couldn't argue with that. "B-but, what if our parents find out?!" Your eyes darted across the room.

"I don't care!" Chara took your hands and interlocked her fingers with yours. "Let them! Our love is pure as freshly fallen snow!"

"What if I get you pregnant and we have a retard baby?!", you said.

"I don't ca-" Chara's eyes shot open and she slammed on the breaks. "Ok, that's not hot at all!"

"I know!", you said, nodding profusely. "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

* * *

"Ok, so according to this, the chance of us having a retard baby is 'statistically insignificant'.", you said, reading from your computer. "That means that it is no greater than random chance."

"You sure?", Chara asked, sitting on the bed, clutching her knees, rocking back and forth, the blanket wrapped around her.

"Yes. I mean, look at all these sources..." You scrolled down to the bottom of the Wikipedia page, to the references section, then rolled you and your chair out of the way slightly so she could see the long list of footnotes. "I think we're good!"

She shut her eyes and took a deep breath, before reestablishing eye contact. "Ok."

"Ok?" You slowly stood up, without letting her eyes out of your sight.

"Ok." She smiled slightly and nodded once.

"Ok!" You quickly moved to the bed and were about to climb in, when you hesitated. "Ok?", you asked her softly, one last time, a single knee resting on the edge of the bed.

She looked at you, her eyes sweltering with lust. "Ok..." She let go of the blanket, along with her inhibitions.

"Ok!" You leapt into bed.

"Ok...", she whispered, as your bodies came together once more.

* * *

The past hour had been intense, even by your standards. The mattress's rotation was out of sync with the box-springs by almost 45 degrees. The blanket was nowhere to be found. The pillows would never be found again. The only thing holding the sheets and mattress pad to the bed now was the weight of two naked bodies, laying side by side, satisfied looks on their faces.

Chara shut her eyes, threw her head back, and giggled for a second.

"What is it?", you asked, turning your head in her direction slightly.

"Oh... It's... it's noth-" She was interrupted by more giggles.

"C'mon!" You placed a hand on her arm. "Tell me!"

"Y-you're not going to like it...", she said through giggles.

"Try me.", you said.

"O-ok!" She cleared her throat and rolled over onto her side. "So, for someone who dislikes incest..." She snickered and shook her head. "Y-you sure do like sharing your DNA with me!" She threw her head back and laughed.

"Ohhhh..." You cringed intensely and placed a hand over your face. "God... God damn it, Chara..."

"C'mon!" She elbowed you. "You're smiling!"

"I am and I hate it!", you said/laughed.


End file.
